Moms, Moms and More Moms

It's 12:07 am and I'm all hyped up on tea. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous but I had some iced tea with dinner and I shouldn't have. I used to be able to drink caffeine all hours but I got pregnant and swore off the stuff for 9 months and now you'd think I'd shot some espresso. So I might as well get some things off my mommy mind. Here it is.

Now that I am a mom, I find myself thinking about my mom an awful lot.

Which is sad because my mom died two and a half years ago. And I miss her very badly again, all the sudden. Not that I ever stopped missing her, but I miss her differently. I never got the chance to go over my infanthood with her in detail. She should be here, a woman should have her mother there when she gives birth, along the journey to answer all the questions and provide wisdom... to comfort worries and understand and share the things that only mothers know.

Sometimes I look at Amara and I see my mother. People make assumptions about their children awfully early. They start when the baby is in utero. "Oh, he's going to be a challenge child" or "yes, she is a night owl", "I think she's going to be shy" or "rebellious". I did it too! And the moment the baby is born, "oh, he looks like daddy" or "she has her mothers' toes". But honestly, I swear that I see my mother in her. I think she is going to talk a lot, and be social just like my mom. And she already likes being without a diaper; my mom used to tell stories about how she would rip hers off (yes, I am looking forward to that. I'm already scheming a straightjacket).

I would like to pay homage to my mother now by relating to things she said about motherhood, the few things I caught over the years and actually remember. I feel deep sorrow for all things missed here, for I have been robbed of this special exchange from mother to a daughter who is now a mother.

1.) My mom used to talk about how she would get stopped in the store or various places by strangers to comment on what a beautiful baby I was. I now understand this, as it happens to me a lot. I never knew how friendly people would be, never knew my little one would be such a conversation starter. It makes my heart swell that others take such random joy in someone that means so much to me, my little munchkin.

2.) My mom used to talk about how when we were babies (my brother and I), she always thought each new phase we were in was funner than the last. I know Amara is only 3 months old but I have already experienced this strange mixture of feelings: "Don't grow up, stay just like this forever. But oh, wait, I can't wait for you to crawl" or "talk" or "eat solids". I'm suspended somewhere between don't ever grow up and hurry up, hit your next milestone already!

3.) For some mommy reason or another, I cannot go to bed with a messy kitchen. I can't do it. I used to be able to. Now, it's an inability. I do not have the ability to go to bed with the kitchen a mess. My mom had an immaculate house, always, but somehow I did not inherit that gene. I do not keep a tidy house, never have. But these days some mommy superpower has taken over and cleans the kitchen before bed. And Lysol the countertops for heaven's sakes the bottles touch those! I never in my life bought Lysol (wow, it is expensive!) until the wee one came along and someone laser-beamed my brain into obsessing over the kitchen.

So, that is the way I can relate to my mom, and I am sure that as time moves on I will find more and more ways I have in common with the mother she was. I think she would be proud if she were here, that I am coming into my mommyhood just fine. I desperately wish she were her for some momspeak but I am super blessed with many wonderful women in my life, and for that I have a thankful heart each and every day.